Ever since I was 12, I knew I was different. Different meaning, I knew I liked the penis. Well, I guess I didn’t know for sure that I liked the penis, but I knew my feelings for women (girls, at that time) were not the same as other young boys. I had girlfriends throughout middle school and high school, but I would always end those relationships after a couple of months and claim that I needed to focus on my relationship with ”god.” There was some truth to that, because I was a really good Christian, but I also started to get nervous that these young ladies might try and make a move on me. I wasn’t prepared for that. At 18, I got my first blowjob (by a man) by a fountain in the middle of DePauw’s campus at 3:00 a.m. I enjoyed that a lot. So I kept it up. Well, not always at the fountain, but you get my drift. My boyfriend, Jesus, was quickly replaced.
I was a bit of a whore for a while. I enjoyed that as well. I lived in a gay community center in Philadelphia and finally came out to my mother over the phone in a drunken stupor on my stoop at like 10:00 at night. That went well. Even though I came out to her as a gay man, in the back of my head, I knew that I didn’t necessarily want to count women completely out of the picture. You can’t knock something until you’ve tried it and that point, I had never tried it. It, meaning women. I met several bisexual women while in Philadelphia and was very intrigued by the idea of having a three way relationship with a man and a woman. This still intrigues me.
I started dating a very nice and well put together guy my last semester in college. Well, maybe he wasn’t so put together. I mean, things were pretty dramatic for us. This relationship lasted for two years. There were a lot of drunken fights. We both wanted different things, but thought we wouldn’t find those in anyone else, so we stuck it out. It ended sort of badly, meaning I was lame and broke up with him over an email. Shoot me.
I whored it up a bit more. Then I met Justin. That relationship didn’t last as long and was a bit of a rollercoaster. Taught me a lot though. Karma is a bitch and he ended our relationship over Facebook. I wasn’t very happy about that, but I have since moved on. When that ended, I had an opportunity to explore the “straight side” in me. A beautiful, dynamic young lady pursued me and got what she wanted, for an entire weekend, actually. I pretty much tried everything and it was pretty much nice. This fucked me up even more. I would be okay with it happening again. Maybe over Christmas.
I had another brief relationship with a younger guy. He was a bit of a loose cannon. Couldn’t do that for too long, so I let it go.
There is another guy who met me online and immediately requested that I come over and pick him up from his parent’s house and “rape” him. At first, I was freaked out about this. But then I was like, this could be hot. It took me about a month and a half to realize that I was okay with “raping” someone. So I picked him up, brought him back to my house. We role played a rape scenario. It was awkward at first, but we both played our parts very well, so it turned into something very hot. On the way back to his house, all he talked about was his current boyfriend, and he jerked me off (not to completion).
Then there is this other guy that I really do like and who is genuinely a NICE person with a good heart. He’s also not the scandalous mess that I am. He doesn’t sleep around. Relationships and commitment are very important to him. We’ve hung out a couple of times and it’s been very nice, because it’s different than what I’m used to. He knows I’m interested and I think he might be, but I also think he thinks of me as kind of a whore.
Now, there is this new girl at work that I like. She’s cute. She’ s into music. She’s smart. However, for some reason, I stumble over all of my words. I can’t seem to communicate with her. I don’t know if I could ever date a girl, but I do know that she’s a nice young lady and I’m curious about seeing what could happen.
Ideal situation: I could date the guy that thinks I’m whore and lead a straight life with this girl that makes me an awkward fool and still fuck my rape victim on the side.
I’m a mess. What do I want?
